Sunday, October 31, 2010

Day 7 Double Dog Dare Challenge

Well, tomorrow it will have been a full week on the double dog dare challenge. So far, everything has been going well, but today has just been bad. I'm not over on calories or anything, not even close. But I am feeling bad. I'm exhausted, I have the worst headache and I'm hungry even though I've eaten quite a bit already.

So, I thought I'd at least have a good blogging day and I'd share some pictures. Now, we have this fancy shmancy camera and then I have my regular digital camera. I do not trust myself taking the fancy camera anywhere, but my digital camera is out of batteries and I haven't a clue where the charger is. So I'm a mess, lol. But I took some pictures indoors of stuff, out of boredom (instead of doing my homework, of course).

This is the plastic water bottle that I use from school.Not sure how many oz it holds, but I only put in 20 at a time. Sounds weird, but I don't like stale water, lol.

My parents went to do a little shopping yesterday and got me these. Somehow, my measuring cup managed to get cracked and I was pretty upset so they went and got me a new one, which was great of them. This one is even better. You can't see it in the photo, but it goes around in onces, cups, tablespoons, teaspoons, etc. They also went and got me a new scale with a little cubby and I tared it with the cubby, so it's at zero.

They also went and got a new Brita because ours was absolutely ancient and not even the dog drinks unfiltered water in this house, lol. You might notice the boxed wine to the right, which I have not touched an ounce of!

This is my living room. Up until today, there was a giant bed, but it was moved upstairs today, now that I can go up and down the stairs pretty freely. You may notice my wheelchair, which we have yet to give back.

This is 2 cups of lightly buttered popcorn. Pop Secret light butter is absolutely amazing. 6 cups popped is only 120 calories. 

Like I said, I'm not feeing well, so I grabbed a cup and a half of raspberries, in hopes that they would make me feel better. They made me feel a little bit better for a few minutes, but not that great, so I'm just drinking more water.

We don't really get too many trick or treaters because my parents don't do the Halloween decorations thing. So, my dad left a box of Ferrero Rochers just in case. These are my FAVORITES. Now, one of them is only 60 calories so it would fit into my diet quite nicely to eat one. However, it has 16 g of sugar, 18 g of carbs, a bunch of sodium and although I'm not counting or paying attention to those things too much, I don't think it's a good idea and it probably won't help my headache. I might have one tomorrow or something, but I don't think sugar will help my headache.

That's about all for today. I'm going to take a little nap and drink some water and hope my headache goes away so that I can finish my work and get on the Wii fit to burn some calories for the upcoming week. I think I'm going to have my weeks start on Saturdays, since that's when I weigh myself. I don't remember how many calories I burned on the Wii Fit yesterday, but I'll find out.

Saturday, October 30, 2010

Day 6 Double Dog Dare Challenge: November Goals, Layout Change!

So, if you're here, you can probably see that I have changed my layout. I feel that this header much better represents me than the little girl with the pink hair scribbling. I don't even like pink, lol! So, instead, on the left, I have a couple ballroom dancing, signifying my love for dance, the two drama masks, signifying my love for theater (which I haven't really exhibited because I'm not at school, but I'm a total theater geek) and a medical sign, signifying my hopes to one day become a doctor. To the right, we've got a girl with big curly hair, measuring herself. That's supposed to be me! Except she has much smaller arms and waist, but that's okay. I'll get there.

On that note, here are my November goals!

1. Lose 10 pounds (leaving me at 186.6 lbs.) by Tuesday, November 30th. I think that's fairly doable. I lost almost 8 pounds last month, but I wasn't counting calories at the beginning of the month and I wasn't moving at all originally.
2. Burn 500 calories a week on the Wii Fit. I don't care how many times a week I do it. I can split it up into 7, 5, do it all in one day, doesn't matter. But I need to get moving.
3. Take a 10 minute walk 3 times a week. Again, I need to get moving. And I used to love walking, so it's time to start again. I'm almost healed.
4. Lose the limp! This is self explanatory. By the end of November, the limp needs to be gone, hopefully earlier.
5. Blog at least 6 times a week. I was talking to my mom today and I don't know why this time's diet is working and I have no issues staying on plan, whereas it's never happened before. I think it's a good mix of things and one of the things in the mix is blogging.
6. Fit into "the dress" There's this dress and I will post up a picture of it. I bought it a little more than a year ago to wear to a wedding, without trying it on. I ended up wearing a dress, because this particular dress did not fit me at all. I couldn't get it zipped up even a little. I tried it on the other day and I'm close to zipping it, but only if I suck my tummy in really hard and don't breathe. So, by the end of this month, I would like to at least semi-comfortably fit into the dress.
7. Get my damn room clean. My room is gross. Absolutely disgusting. I'm ashamed to take before pictures, but I think I will and I'll keep them on the down low until my room is beautiful to remind myself of what it turned into in a year. Here was the problem. I lived away at school for a year and every time I came home I just dumped things anywhere and everywhere. Then, I came home from Italy and started to unpack. Then, my parents were gone and I was working almost 12 hours a day, so I had no time. I just kept putting it off. Then  I broke my ankle...self-explanatory. I've recovered enough to clean the room.

That's all! Wish me luck. This is usually the time that I would be feeling bad for myself that I haven't eaten a cheeseburger in a long time, but I'm just feeling better and better. Even when I was seeing a nutritionist, I was not 196.6. I was like 198, I think, at my lowest. And beyond that, I have to say I have absolutely NO clue the last time I weighed 196.6.

One other thing. One of my long-term goals has changed. I originally wanted to be 180 lbs by the time I went back to my school upstate. I'm changing it to 175 lbs. I'm going back around 12 weeks from now, so that's 1.8 pounds a week. Totally doable, considering some weeks will be less and other weeks will be more. Going to watch Hocus Pocus (my favorite tradition) and do my history paper finally!

Have a safe and happy Halloween, everyone!

Day 6 Double Dog Dare Challenge: Weigh-In, October Goals Over-look

So, I weighed in this morning.....*drumroll please* Ok, no drumroll.


I do not know how I lost 1.6 pounds from my last weigh-in, when yesterday I was up .6 pounds! Mind you, I am not complaining lol. I'm not sure what happened yesterday. But I'm glad that it did! Anyway, not much else to say. Someone mentioned that I should eat more calories. Honestly, I eat when I'm hungry. And if I happen to eat 1430 calories, then that's fine. But if I'm not hungry after 800, I'm not going to force myself to eat just because I "should." So I thank you for your comments, but this one, I stand firm on. You don't eat when you're not hungry unless you're five years old and mom is teaching you good eating habits, lol. Food journal for now.

Here were my October goals...
Goal #1: Be under 200 lbs.
Done! Very happy about this one. I would've been happy to be 198, but I am 196.6, so yay!
Goal #2: Walk without the boot
Done! I am now walking full-time on my own two feet, in sneakers! It's not always easy, but goal reached.
Goal #3: Maintain an A average in all of my classes
This one is hard to say, because I technically got a B+ on my English paper, but I have really good participation so that might bump me up to an A. I have an A on my sociology paper, but I don't know what I got on the test. I have nothing to show for my history class, because I'm about to write a paper now, but I have awesome participation. And chemistry, I don't know. This was a silly goal, because it's kind of impossible to say what I have in each class. I think I'm averaging a B+ or so in chemistry, but I'm not making anymore goals like this because they're very hard to track.
Goal #4: Blog at least 6 times per week
Well, it's not the 31st yet and I already have 32 posts for October. So that's about a post a day, which is more than 6 posts a week. Success!
Goal #5: Wake up when my alarm rings every single day
Lol, I will safely say that this is an epic fail. I should've started with 3 days a week or something, because this was impossible. Plus, for the last week, I've been alarm-free because my alarm clock on my phone is broken, so I'm just winging it and hoping my body wakes me up, which it has.
Goal #6: Drink at least 8 glasses of water/fluid each day

I wasn't doing this at first but I am now!

Food Journal
2 Eggo wheat waffles: 140 calories
1 tbsp dark chocolate dreams peanut butter: 85 calories
1 diet hot chocolate: 25 calories
3 turkey cutlets: 112 calories
1 slice bread: 40 calories
2 cherry tomatoes: 10 calories
1 pickle: 10 calories
1 rice pudding: 70 calories
1/2 tbsp of peanut butter: 43 calories
1 homemade pizza: 420 calories
1.5 cups raspberries: 96 calories
1 peach, 175 g: 68 calories
Total: 1119 calories
Left: 311 calories

Friday, October 29, 2010

Day 5 Double Dog Dare Challenge - bad news bears

Yesterday was no good. I somehow managed to down two water bottles in twenty minutes and my body did not respond well. At all. I had a full bladder every half an hour. And I mean full. I felt absolutely horrible. I didn't get to sleep until 1AM. On top of that, I was under a 1000 calories yesterday, without meaning to and I got on the scale this morning...198.8. Up .6 pounds from last week. My weigh-in day is tomorrow, not today, so I'm not counting it yet but I am not a happy camper. I'm off to shower and do some physical therapy. I just want to know what I'm doing wrong! I've been going over 64 oz of water every day, I've been under 1430 every day without even trying, under 1000 even. And my physical therapy workouts 3 times a week have gotten more intense. I'm really lost on what to do. =/

2 slices whole wheat bread: 80 calories
1 tbsp peanut butter: 85 calories
3 oz. of raspberries: 45 calories
3 turkey cutlets- 112 calories
1 slice bread: 40 calories
1 egg yolk- 54 calories
2 cherry tomatoes- 10 calories
1 pickle- 10 calories
Coffee- 30 calories
1/2 cup Cheerios- 70 calories
1 bag popcorn: 300 calories
2 pieces of chocolate: 134 calories
Total: 970
Left: 460 calories

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Alright Marie Claire, You Got Me (Day 4 Double Dog Dare Challenge Part 2)

Alright, so after reading what seems like thousands of entries about this blog post by Maura Kelly, I finally have something to say. I will start off with what I said on Allan's blogpost.

Personally, if she doesn't want to watch me make out with my imaginary boyfriend, then she can poke her eyeballs out with a butter knife for all I care! The amount of fuck that I do not give about what she thinks of me is as enormous as my ass. If she doesn't like seeing fat people walk across the gym, then so be it! Turn around, vomit in a different direction if you must. While the fact that you're so small-minded (pun intended) disgusts me and makes me want to vomit, you do whatever the hell you want. It's a free country, isn't it?

But here's what gets me. I am not black, gay, Spanish or disabled, I feel for these people when they are discriminated against. Every time that I hear about someone being racist, I feel gross. Every time that I hear about another gay person being beat up for being different, I feel gross. Every time I hear about a Spanish person being called a 'damn Mexican' and told to leave the country, I feel gross. And every single time I hear about someone in a wheelchair being discriminated against, I feel gross. I am personally offended by each and every single one of these things, not because I am any one of these things, but because I empathize with people, whether I want to or not.

This country has become beyond politically correct. If this blog post was about two black people kissing or two gay people kissing, it would not have been allowed. I can guarantee that. So, some people say "Well gay people aren't unhealthy," to which I say "You are a dumbass." This article was not written because Maura Kelly wanted to help the obesity epidemic that is flooding our country. This article was written because of a prejudice. If she wanted to help people, she would've written an article on eating vegetables or a new exercise routine or why we need to love ourselves in order to lose weight. She chose to write that an obese person walking across the room grosses her out. This is not about health. This is about prejudice.

So, with that said, here's what I believe. You do not need to call me Caucasian, female, Jewish or overweight. You can call me a white fat penny-pinching chick with a huge nose for all I care. You could call me a blue stick plant with goo for brains and I would probably have the same reaction. I feel terrible for the people that were offended by this article. My heart goes out to them. But please, please, please stop caring what ignorant people like Maura Kelly think. The best way to respond to a bully is to ignore them. The answer to the ignorant people to our country is not to run them out of town*. Let them say what they want! Love yourself enough not to care. Throw your pitchforks back where you got them and don't waste your energy running Maura Kelly out of town. There will always be Maura Kellys in the world. WE choose whether or not they affect us.

And if you must focus your energy on people like this, don't get angry about it. Exercise it out. Turn your anger into something productive. I love you all truly, because that's the kind of person I am. I love people and I only want the best for any person that is good and kind. Stop giving this woman so much attention. This blog post is not to give her attention. This blog post is to give you some attention. Because you are the one that deserves it.

*This is not to say that the KKK, neo-nazis or any other hate group with malicious beliefs should not be fought against. It is one thing to make stupid remarks, it is quite another to pose a threat to another human being. You can bet that the next time I see the Westboro Baptist Church marching around, chanting about Jews going to hell, I will be there telling them go to Hell.

Day 4 Double Dog Dare Challenge

Hello peeps. Aunt Flo is here, I have cramps, but my eating hasn't been affected all too much. I have yet to mess up on the challenge, which is awesome, considering my circumstances. Yesterday, my physical therapist kicked my ass, but it felt great, because I felt like I was getting at least a little bit of cardio. I was doing really simple stuff on a step and it was so sad, because before I broke my ankle, I was doing CRAZY stuff during step class. I was jumping over it, hopping onto it, doing an hour long routine, doing cardio and strengthening every Monday and Wednesday. I mean, I ate terribly, so the exercise didn't really help much. But it was still awesome and now I can barely do the simple stuff. I mentioned this to my physical therapist and she said "Don't worry, you'll do it again eventually." That made me very hopeful. I like her a lot. She makes me feel like eventually this crazy time in my life will be over.

I equate my experience breaking my ankle to getting older and having limited energy and physical strength to do anything, because I regret not having done more earlier. The difference, though, is that I'm getting another chance. My ankle will heal and I will have the chance to do everything that I want to and should do before I get older and have limited abilities. The important thing is that I learn from this and take nothing for granted, including a walk down the street. That way, when I am older, I'll have very little regrets. I hope, lol.

This winter, I plan to go to Orlando to work with terminally ill children for $300 all-inclusive. It's only a week, but I'm sure that'll be enough to break my heart and get me thinking again. I filled out a form today to get a background check and I'm having an interview on Thursday. I'm sure that I'll be able to get in. I've worked with autistic kids before and I've worked with kids, in general, since the age of twelve. The interview is with Hillel at the college I'm currently attending and I'm really excited. It's from January 2nd-9th. If I go, I will definitely bring my laptop and try to blog once in awhile about my experience there.

This weekend is Halloween. I don't have plans yet, but I'm going to see what my cousin is doing and possibly go see her and the girls, just for fun, now that I can walk. Maybe I'll be allowed to go trick or treating with them for twenty minutes or something. Anyway, I'm in the library at school, so I'm going to type up my food journal and go because I have English in a half hour.


Food Journal
Breakfast- 2 whole wheat waffles- 140 calories
1 tbsp dark chocolate peanut butter- 85 calories
1 coffee- 30 calories
2 pieces wheat bread- 125 calories
Turkey- 90 calories
Tomato- 5 calories
4 Vegan "Chik'n" Nuggets- 190 calories
1 tortilla wrap: 120 calories
1 tbsp guacamole: 30 calories
14 g of shredded cheese: 45 calories
2 pieces of gum: 7
2 pieces of coconut chocolate: 130 calories
Used: 997 calories
Left: 433 calories
67.6 oz of water

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Day 3 Double Dog Dare Challenge

Got on the scale this morning. Back down to 198.4. Whew! I'm sitting in the library now, while I should be in chemistry class. Should, however, is relative. Should I be sitting inside of a classroom where I'm not learning jack shit? Or should I be in the library relaxing? I mean, usually, instead of going to chemistry, I sit with a chemistry book, but I had a crappy morning, it sucks outside and I had no motivation to study. But study I will tonight for my lab quiz! I'm thinking of not going to sociology either, but instead going home, sleeping a bit and studying. It's very awful outside and my left shin is on fire every time I walk. On fire is a bad phrase. It's not that it hurts. It's just severely uncomfortable.

So, I talked to Allan today and I'm doing his challenge, but I've been doing it with 1200 calories instead of 1430 and here is what he said: "If 1200 calories per day was enough for you, you would weigh 130" Very true. Although 1000 calories has been working for me for the past couple of weeks, I'm concerned that I'm not going to be able to keep it up for long. While my body's adjusted a little bit and I don't feel hungry most days, there are days that I think, if I could just have a few more calories, I would feel better. Would I?

We'll find out. Because I am now eating 1430 calories a day. I am hoping, praying that Allan is right in whatever his point is with this challenge, because I could not stand to gain a couple of pounds. I am done, done, done with gaining. No more. So, yes. I am taking the challenge. Am I scared? Yes. Do I want to covertly eat a 1000 calories but say that I ate 1430 just so all is quiet on the eastern front? Yes. Will I do that? No. Whatever Allan is doing, it's worked for him. So, we'll see what happens.

As it goes, here is my food journal.

Food Journal
1 cup Multi-grain cheerios: 110 cals.
1/2 cup 1% milk: 55 cals.
1 Babybel Cheese: 50 cals.
Sweet Onion Chicken 6 inch with light mayo: 430 calories
4 vegan chick'n nuggets: 190 calories
1/4 piece chocolate: 17 calories
1 rice pudding: 70 calories
1 piece chocolate: 65 calories
Homemade Thin Crust Pizza: 300 calories
1 piece chocolate: 65 calories
Total: 1352 calories
Left: 78 calories
Water: 73.5 oz

My water intake has been pretty crappy, because I'm sluggish and my head hurts, but I'm hoping that if I up my water intake, my brain will relax and stop aching and I can maybe spend the rest of the day doing chemistry homework and studying my ass off.

Oh. I'm also starting a grades page on here, mostly for myself, to keep accountable. But if anyone's curious, you can go ahead and take a look.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Day 2 Double Dog Dare Challenge Part 2

So, today was good. I actually exceeded my 64 oz. of water and it's not even  8:30 yet, which is great. but at ounce 50 or so, I started to wonder why I was chugging water like a baby hippopotamus. I mean, I've heard it can be good for me, plus I'm doing Allan's challenge. But WHY? So, while my history professor's voice drifted farther and farther away from me, I started to look things up on my phone. Here's what I got.

1) This is the easy one. Your body cannot always differentiate between hungry and thirsty. Once you feel what we know as "thirst," you are already dehydrated. This is no good. So, by keeping your body hydrated, you won't have to think "Hm. Am I hungry or am I thirsty?" because you won't be thirsty. So if you're feeling hungry, you know you're hungry.
2) This one gets into anatomy, but stick with me. Your kidneys need to be properly hydrated in order to work well. One of the liver's jobs is to convert stored fat to energy, or metabolize it. Another job that the liver has is to work overtime if your kidneys don't work. So, if you are not properly hydrated, your kidneys aren't working as well as they should and your liver is focusing more time on helping your kidneys and less time on converting fat cells to energy, which leads to your liver not being able to metabolize fat as quickly and efficiently as it could. So! In conclusion- more water, faster metabolizing of fat
3) Your body stores water, because you don't hydrate yourself. When you first start drinking a lot of water, you notice that you're peeing A LOT, so you stop because you feel like you're not getting hydrated. Some studies show that the stuff coming out is what's been stored in your ankles, your belly, your arms, your thighs, etc. So drinking water does work.

So that's if anyone needs reasons to drink water! Today, a girl from my class told me that I look "really thin". I had to laugh, because I know that I'm not "really thin." I'm not even "thin" let alone "really." I guess what she meant was that I've lost weight. I told her thanks and she asked how I do it. I told her that I eat a 1000-1200 calories a day and try to drink a lot of water. She looked SHOCKED when I told her I ate 1000 calories a day and asked me "Aren't you starving?" And I could honestly say "No, not at all." There are ways to make yourself full with 1000 calories. Some days are harder than others, but there is no reason to get over 1200 for me. I'm just not that hungry. And I'm about to get to that time of month...OR I'm pregnant with the next Baby Jesus. Either of those are apt to make me super hungry. And yet, here I am. I'm alright. I'm under 1000 calories, it's 9:20 and the only thing I want is some tea and 5 mini meringues for 8 calories.

Food Journal
2 Eggo waffles: 140 calories
1 tbsp Dark Chocolate Dreams peanut butter: 85 calories
2 pieces WW bread: 80 calories
2 slices cheese: 50 calories
5 cherry tomatoes: 15 calories
1 Babybel cheese wedge: 35 calories
Celery sticks: 0 calories
1 Quizno sandwich: 275 calories
Baked Chips: 130 calories
2 pieces gum: 7 calories
1 orange (200g): 99 calories
1 rice pudding: 70 calories
Total: 986 calories
Left: 14 calories
Water: 66.7 oz
Time: 9:00pm

Day 2 Double Dog Dare Challenge

Don't have much to say as of yet, except I got on the scale this morning for fun and saw 200.2. Really? 2 pounds? What is that about? It's been 3 days since I've weighed myself. My best guess is that I ate  more calories Saturday and Sunday than I thought I did, because I only ate 800 calories yesterday. I thought I did okay, but apparently I did not, so I really have to watch myself next weekend. That or I'm pregnant with the next Baby Jesus or something, because Aunt Flo hasn't come yet either.
Anyway, I got really angry at myself at first and then decided I was just going to try twice as hard to get back under 200 as I possibly can. If I keep eating under a 1000 calories a day, I've gotta be able to get it back. I'm not counting that as a weigh-in, but as a potential sign for a bad weigh-in on Saturday.
Today is going to be hard. Every time I progress, things get extremely hard for a little bit. Going from the wheelchair to the crutches was pain galore. Going from two crutches to one crutch was just hard. Going from no crutches to the boot was terrifying and painful. And now I'm flying solo, so we'll see how that goes.

Food Journal
2 Eggo waffles: 140 calories
1 tbsp Dark Chocolate Dreams peanut butter: 85 calories
2 pieces WW bread: 80 calories
2 slices cheese: 50 calories
Total: 355 calories
Left: 645 calories
Water: 20 oz 
Time: 1:05pm

Monday, October 25, 2010

Day 1, Part 2

So! I went to my doctor and the little crack that I saw on my x-ray, I was right. It isn't normal. So I can see more than I thought I could see. However, here's what I didn't know. The part that isn't normal is completely unimportant to my ankle and will not give me arthritis in the future and that's what's important. Also, I still need 6 more weeks of physical therapy but I don't have to wear my boot anymore.
In Lamen's terms....all is well! So I will be physically active soon enough.

Now, here is my updated food journal. I will update it one more time right before I'm about to get to sleep.

1 Pumpernickel Bagel, stuffing taken out: 86 calories (I almost jumped for joy)
2 egg whites: 40 calories (I used a drop of unsalted butter, so I'm throwing in 6 calories just in case...I don't usually count that)
1 slice reduced fat cheese: 25 calories
2 pieces of gum: 7 calories
Oven roasted chicken salad with oil and vinegar from Subway: 175 calories
Coffee: 30 calories
Kashi Frozen Indian: 310 calories
1 slice WW bread: 40 calories
1 tbsp peanut butter: 90 calories
Total: 803 calories
Left:  197 calories (ultra-goal)// 397 calories (goal)
Time: 7:45PM

I think I did pretty well. I'm really hungry as I'm finishing my frozen Indian food, but I will wait 20 minutes and then see if I'm still hungry. Here was my mistake for the day. I did not know, at first, that I was only supposed to drink water for my 64 oz. I thought it meant fluid....or rather, I hoped he meant fluid. So I only got one bottle in. But I have filled up my Brita and will be guzzling water for the next couple of hours. I can do it and more importantly, I will do it. I think that's all today. About to watch Dancing with the Stars, check up on blogs and do some chemistry homework!

Rachel, out :)

Day 1 Double Dog Dare Challenge

I will temporarily be posting my food journals in my blog. This will be for the next 2 weeks, while I am doing Allan's challenge.

1 Pumpernickel Bagel, stuffing taken out: 86 calories (I almost jumped for joy)
2 egg whites: 40 calories (I used a drop of unsalted butter, so I'm throwing in 6 calories just in case...I don't usually count that)
1 slice reduced fat cheese: 25 calories
2 pieces of gum: 7 calories
Oven roasted chicken salad with oil and vinegar from Subway: 175 calories
Coffee: 30 calories
Kashi Frozen Indian: 310 calories
Total: 673 calories
Left:  327 calories (ultra-goal)// 527 calories (goal)
Time: 7:45PM
 Off to a good start!
I am sitting in the library at school and not having fun, because I just got my x-rays done for my ankle. To me, it still looks fractured. But I keep having to remind myself that I know jack $#!+ about anatomy, bones and medicine. I haven't even taken college-level biology yet. I've just started my path. I am trying very hard not to self diagnose.
That is what a regular ankle looks like.

This is a really bad picture of what I had. 


Tonight, after my doctor's appointment, I will try to grab a picture of my x-rays. If I don't have time to do it before the appointment, the doc will take them away, but I will let you know what he says anyway.

Off to get a coffee and study some chemistry. Toodles!

Sunday, October 24, 2010

101 Things You Probably Didn't Know About Me

I'm pretty bored, I can't manage to do any chemistry homework and so here I am =)

1. I used to ballroom dance when I was eight or nine, but I ended up dropping it and it's one of my biggest regrets.
2. Halloween is my absolute favorite and I sometimes wish I lived in Connecticut or Massachusetts or just some place that wasn't urban and "scary" where houses were more Halloween-friendly and people threw parties at their big houses (or is that just Hocus Pocus?"
3. I have watched Hocus Pocus every Halloween since I was eight, without fail.
4. I am a nerd and I love to learn things, but I'm not insane about the learning system in America.
5. I am sort of a libertarian, but I don't think I fit very well with any political parties - I fit in with the group of people that don't believe in political parties.
6. I am kind of a hypochondriac, but lately, I have managed to talk myself out of minor panic attacks over nothing.
7. I am scared of doctors -- all doctors -- because I am always afraid that they are going to give me bad news. 
8. Despite my fear of going to doctors, I want to be a doctor. But I think that will make my bedside manner all the better.
9. My brother is eleven years older than me and I've always looked up to him.
10. I watch Disney movies all the time.
11. My favorite Disney princesses are Snow White, Belle and The Little Mermaid.
12. My favorite Disney cartoon is The Lion King.
13. Grey's Anatomy is one of my favorite shows, but I don't expect the medical world to be anything like it.
14. I was a huge fan of LOST and I loved Kate and Sawyer together.
15. I love Harry Potter with all of my heart. A lot of my childhood was spent with my nose buried in a book and some of my best memories are those books.
16. I cried at the end of the 5th, 6th and 7th books.
17. I don't hate Twilight and I own the 4th book-- the other 3 I borrowed. I believe that the plot is interesting and enthralling, but the writing is dreadful and the movies are corny, but still enjoyable.
18. I am a dreamer. I dream about all sorts of things and my imagination runs wild.
19. Because my imagination runs wild, it's very hard for me to stay the same from day to day. I change my hopes and aspirations daily, but there are of course a few things that stay the same.
20. I am a romantic, but I can be very cynical.
21. I am obsessed with fashion and want to have nice clothes, but I'm holding off on shopping until 135 (five pounds away from my goal)
22. I used to LOVE One Tree Hill-- I was even an extra on set once. Drove all the way to North Carolina.
23. I love sushi, but haven't had much since I've noticed the caloric intake is dreadful.
24. I have a 9.5 month old nephew (P) and he is the sweetest child.
25. I have two younger cousins, whom I absolutely love to spoil (A & E).
26. I have a lot of family that I rarely see and it really bothers me.
27. I don't use the real names of any of my friends and family to protect their privacy just in case.
28. I have been best friends with both A and M since the 6th grade, but they only became friends with each other in high school.
29. In high school, I did a lot of theater and I am continuing it in college, but dance is a bigger priority now.
30. I love to sing and am in a repertoire company in college - it's a lot of fun.
31. I love animals, especially dogs and horses. I also enjoy cats.
32. As a kid, I was really, super sick. I had chronic bronchitis and just 2 years ago, I had pneumonia twice in just a few months.
33. My biggest fear is ending up alone. I love love.
34. I have lately been getting really into indie movies.
35. My taste in music is....electic. I love all types of rock and will even listen to metal sometimes (rarely, but sometimes). Most country bothers me, but I do listen to quite a bit. I even listen to Taylor Swift and Ke$ha. I also love anything that I can dance to.
36. I used to have a teeth-brushing problem and even now, I only brush my teeth once a week. I have not had a single cavity.
37. I love anything and everything Italian, including the language, the fashion and of course the food.
38. My favorite names for girls are Molly and Charlotte.
39. My favorite names for boys are Pearce and Zachary.
40. I love working with kids, but sometimes those little suckers drive me absolutely insane.
41. I am technically Jewish, but I consider myself more of a spiritual person than anything else. I believe in G-d and follow some Jewish rituals, but mostly I just believe that G-d made us to enjoy our lives and do significant things with our lives and that's exactly what I intend to do.
42. Rather than go to wild New Year's Eve parties, I usually spend New Year's with my family.
43. I absolutely love gift shopping.
44. I love getting flowers or fruit flowers or just having things delivered to me. I enjoyed a lot of edible arrangements when I fractured my ankle.
45. I've always wanted to be blonde, but my natural color hair is black.
46. I love my eye color (hazel) but sometimes I wish it was blue, because that would make for one sick combination.
47. Despite my best efforts, I am very conscious of what people think about me.
48. I get my nails done once a week and because of that, they are very healthy and longer than most people's nails.
49. During the summer, I get a pedicure every 2 weeks.
50. In the winter, I get a pedicure every month.
51. I wax my arms, eyebrows and upper lip but I don't wax anything else, because I either get weird reactions or it just hurts too much.
52. I love anything pumpkin-flavored. I think this has to do with my love for Halloween.
53. I have never had a real Valentine. Most of my February 14ths are spent with a horror movie and some ice cream.
54. I have a really good memory and even remember my old phone number from when I was eight or so.
55. I have a labrador retriever mix and his name is Mickey. He was my thirteenth birthday present.
56. I kind of tricked my mom into getting a dog, by telling her that shelters kill dogs if they don't get adopted within a certain amount of time. This is technically true, but we ended up going to a no-kill shelter because they are more trustworthy. It's all good, though, because he's the 3rd child she always wanted.
57. I love pictures, but I think I'll love them more when I am thinner.
58. I love horror movies.
59. After I watched The Exorcism of Emily Rose, I couldn't sleep for days - not sure why, it wasn't even that scary. Just the concept.
60. I am perpetually cold, especially when I have no socks on
61. I love all kinds of bags and purses.
62. One of my grandfathers died before I was born and both my grandfathers died when I was very little and I hardly remember them.
63. I love Thanksgiving. Not as much as Halloween, but it's a close second.
64. I speak Russian fluently and spoke it before I could speak English.
65. I am the first person in my immediate family to be born in the United States, other than my nephew of course.
66. My family hails from the small country of Azerbaijan and I have yet to visit there.
67. I am very against socialism and communism, because it forms a society in which nobody is inventive and you can make the same amount of money flipping burgers and performing brain surgery, even though one is clearly more difficult and valuable to society than the other.
68. I love jewelry, but I don't have too many rings because my fingers are kind of fat.
69. I absolutely love sweatshirts and I have 3 school sweatshirts already (I'm only a sophomore).
70. We ordered team apparel and I ordered everything in a medium- I am optimistic.
71. I used to hate sweat pants, but I am getting more accustomed to them, since I couldn't wear jeans when I had a cast on my ankle.
72. I tried to be a pescaterian for a few months, but stopped mostly because it was really hindering my weight loss-- I was pretty much just eating carbs and fish. But I do love vegan and vegetarian food, regardless.
73. I have a healthy obsession with peanut butter. Especially "White Chocolate Wonderful" and "Dark Chocolate Dreams"
74. I truly believe that I can do anything that I set my mind to.
75. I am a very open-minded person, but I have a low tolerance for bullshit.
76. I think that Europeans have a lot more right than Americans do - but I'm hoping that we learn from them.
77. I cry during most Biggest Loser episodes. I just can't help it.
78. My brother was stationed in Iraq for quite a few months. I was about eleven and those times were some of the hardest of my life.
79. I love scarves and I have a whole bunch of them.
80. I love tea, coffee and hot chocolate.
81. Diet Peach Snapple is my only vice.
82. I am not a person who focuses too much on brands, but I've realized that most good things don't come cheap.
83. I love make-up and really enjoy trying new things.
84. I have gotten my ears pierced a total of 3 times. The last time when I was 15. The other two times, I managed to let the holes close.
85. I do not remember the last time that I have had a really great summer that is worth remembering a lot from.
86. I am not always politically correct and in a country where freedom of speech is a big deal, I don't think that's a problem.
87. That said, I don't use terms that are actually derogatory such as dyke or spick. But I'm not afraid to talk about them or make reference to them, because if we ignore things, they are bound to continue happening.
88. Enemy number one is the Westboro Baptist Church.
89. I love the TV show Charmed and have watched every single episode at least once.
90. I really enjoy writing, but I don't have much time for it.
91. I named my scale "Ian". Why? I don't know.
92. My favorite color is purple and I love to wear it.
93. My favorite fruit is pineapple. I played Fraulein Schneider in Cabaret and I literally sang to a pineapple for a song. I think it was very fitting.
94. Ambition is a huge turn-on for me. In fact, it's an absolute must. If a guy is not ambitious, I won't even consider dating him.
95. I was seeing an absolute loser last year and I'm not sure why I was doing it, but I think it has to do with being insecure and thinking that that is the only guy that would be into me. I was wrong.
96. I love leather jackets. Guys in leather jackets cause bad decisions for me.
97. I love blue raspberry lollipops but I haven't had one since I started dieting. Maybe I'll have one for Halloween.
98. I have an irrational fear of being alone in my house. It might be rational because it's really huge but when my parents left for Paris for two weeks, I freaked out almost every night and got very little sleep.
99. I have a HUGE coffee addiction. I can go through cups upon cups, without even getting jittery.
100. I love seeing live shows of anything, especially dance, but pretty much anything and of course Broadway!
101. Before I broke my ankle, I loved to walk and make a game out of how many miles I could walk in a day. I plan to continue once I am healed.

Wow, I can't believe I can actually say 101 things about myself. Enjoy :)

Well, I could've done better ... But I am learning.....NO, I am a big whiny baby and I'm starting a challenge

These past two days were pretty hard. Last night, I went to the party, which actually ended up being a lot of fun. There were two people there who I was previously not fond of that I became quite fond of by the end of the night and I also made a new friend. When I got there, I ate an eggplant, a shrimp, a few mussels and a few calamari. Then, they served the pasta and I did eat some of it, but I left some of it on my plate. Then, they served the salmon. Surprisingly, it was a tiny portion and it was delicious, so I ate the whole thing plus some vegetables. Then, they served tiramisu cake. I LOVE tiramisu cake but I took two bites and got back up to dance again. I danced A LOT last night. I danced more than some people that weren't recovering from a fractured ankle.

Also, I did something seriously bold. I wore a shirt and jeans and I tucked the shirt into my jeans. I haven't done that in....ever? And so, I was pretty scared, but I felt great and I think I looked great too.

So, this morning I went to work and we built this human pyramid with the kids to represent the Tower of Babel. It was really cute. But it was also very dangerous. I put three male counselors at the bottom, two kids on top of them and one kid in the middle, standing. I felt really bad for the male counselors, but I monitored them closely, held up the bottom kid from the back and everything was fine. It was funny, because my best friend A who works with me was on the trip and refused to do the pyramid. But I feel like, lately, I'm a lot more willing to make bold choices. I trust my own judgment and I thought I could handle it. And I did.

Then, after that, we drove to pick up my brother from the airport. I was absolutely exhausted, because I hadn't gotten much sleep. He was in Miami for a business conference...that's my kind of setting for a business conference, lol. We drove him home and we had lunch/dinner there. We had cow tongue (I had one slice and I didn't enjoy it too much), some salad with light dressing (I had two scoops), roasted potatoes (I had two scoops) and some fish (I had one very tiny piece). Then, we had tea. I drank a cup of tea, ate some grapes and ate a half a rugellach, which is this sweet doughy thing, but I ate a half of a small one, so I don't feel too bad. There was candy, carrot cake, all kinds of stuff and I stayed away from all of it. I also stayed away from the sugary juice, which I was very proud of.

The only bad moment in the day was when I accidentally told my brother that I want to be a pediatrician. Why accidentally I hear you ask? I have changed career choices about a million times in the past year or so. I've wanted to be a lawyer, an actor, a dancer, a teacher, a psychiatrist, a dentist and I briefly considered advertising as well. I don't see anything so wrong with that, because why not shop around before I make one of the most important decisions of my entire life? Becoming a doctor is what makes the most sense to me and I'm more enthusiastic about it than I've been about anything else. But when I let it slip that that's what I wanted to do, him and my sister-in-law both laughed. Not because they think it's ridiculous that I want to do it or that I can't, but because they think it's just another job on my list of things I want to do. Regardless, it was kind of hurtful. But, whatever. You know? That's just more of a reason for me to work my butt off and get into a kickass medical school.


Name change for my post! I am starting a challenge. Allan's Double Dog Dare Challenge!
How can I say no to the cute little puppies? Well, this challenge is not so cute and little, but the puppies and are, and I'm already cute, but I DO want to be little, so I'm starting this challenge. Allan, at knows his shit. He is losing weight steady and fast and he has a no bullshit standard that he holds himself to. So, here's to having a no bullshit standard! Here are the rules I will be following.

2 WEEKS, STARTING 10/25/2010

My only adjustment is that I will still be sticking to 1000-1200 calories a day. My goal weight is 130. Multiplied by 11, that is 1430, which I feel like is much, too much, considering I weigh 198.2. Wow, I weigh 198.2! Other than that, I am all in!

Saturday, October 23, 2010


Toniiiight, toniiight! Okay, sorry. West Side Story moment. I've just gone to get my nails done and that was fun. I totally forgot to mention it, but tonight I'm going to a birthday party at a steakhouse/lounge. My first words this morning were "crap."  Here's the catch. I have two best friends. He is M's boyfriend and A's close friend, but I am not very fond of him. In fact, I almost got out of the birthday party until A told me that she pre-paid for a certain amount of people. She offered to try and call and see if she can change the amount of people, but I told her not to worry about it, because knowing her, she would try to pay for the missing person and it's unnecessary, so I decided to go. It's $60 a person -_- which includes champagne, an entree, pasta and cake. And we're supposed to buy regular shots ourselves, except I'm not drinking ANYTHING. I have an extremely high tolerance and it would take far too many caloric drinks to have any kind of effect on me. Now let me show you the menu.

Family Style Appetizers
(Fried calamari, mussels, eggplant, rolletini, and shrimp cocktail)

Penne vodka
Rigatoni, fresh tomato, basil, and mozzarella

Chicken francaise w/ risotto primavera
Veal scallopini w/ whipped herbs potatoes
Broiled salmon filet w/ assorted vegetables

(Soda, Tea, Coffee, Expresso)

Now, out of this, what do I need? NOTHING. But, here's my plan. I'm going to eat a bit of eggplant, mussels and shrimp cocktail without the cocktail part. I will have 3 forkfuls of pasta at most. I will have salmon for my entree, but only eat half of it and eat the vegetables. And I will drink a crapload of Diet Coke and tea. Good plan? I think it's for the best. And I'll drink a sip or two of champagne for the birthday boy. $60 is a lot to pay for a few bites of seafood, half a salmon filet and some vegetables, but it's the price I have to pay for getting fat, lol. If I didn't have to lose weight right now, I could eat the entire salmon and maybe even some fried calamari, but you know, whatever. Besides, I didn't go out all summer so I'm allowed to spend some money.

Wish me luck!

Weigh-In Results

I lost .6 lbs. It is not as bas as I feared! I mean, compared to my 2+ pounds a week from before, it's a smidge disappointing, but like I said before, I am about to get my monthly friend meaning I am retaining water like a mofo, so next week will probably be another small loss/maintain and after that, I'll probably lose a whole bunch. That's just what I've seen happen, but my body is different, so we'll see what happens with it. I don't think I have ever maintained my diet during the monthly visit, so here's to that! This time, I am doing it.

I had this wonderful idea to take a whole wheat bagel and take ALL the crap out of it. Well, it wasn't my idea. It was Allan's. But it was a great idea. I got my bagel down to 50g on my scale and then put 2 egg whites and a slice of low fat cheese on it. Altogether, 209 calories. Not bad for an egg and cheese on a bagel, right?

More later, when I have something to update on :)

Friday, October 22, 2010

Calmed down quite a lot, decent day after the first mishap!

So, for anyone that read my last blog post, I was being a little baby. My hair is not the end of the world. I was upset mostly because of the money. Times are, unfortunately, pretty tight, so spending all that money on something that didn't work the way I wanted it to was seriously annoying. Plus, I've got a nasty case of PMS, lol.

Anyway, I read up on it, and a Brazilian Hair Straightening for people that have thick, curly, wild hair like I do (in fact, I've taken to calling it 'the beast') is mostly a really strong hair relaxer. A regular hair relaxer wouldn't work on me, most likely. Honestly, I'm still a little bit upset, because I was looking forward to having perfect hair and I don't. But the truth is, I will probably never have the "perfect" hair so I'll have to deal with what I have and, after getting over the fact that it isn't what I wanted, I do like it. But I do have to give a big thank you to Allan who put things in perspective for me.

On to my day. I went to physical therapy and I was kind of upset, because both the therapists kept telling me that everything was in my head and that I shouldn't be limping anymore. In my head or not, it's very hard for me not to limp, so I don't know. I really am trying, but until I go to my doctor's appointment on Monday, I'm not going to pick up and run without limping. When he does, I will work on it more. Right now, my feet are both sore because I walked for an hour at the market, picking up all sorts of groceries.

The only good thing about being upset this morning is that I had more calories to play with later. I tend to be hungrier in the latter part of the day, so having a 1000 calories at 3 o'clock was exciting. But I was still careful. I ate a Babybel Cheese and then went to have an egg white wrap and some honeydew melon. OMG honeydew melon. 64 calories in 6 oz. It is officially the second best fruit (next to pineapple, because no matter the calories, it's still the bomb). After that, I went to my acupuncturist. It was so great. The physician's assistant that I really liked was there and so it was a cheery time. She gave me some PMS medicine and put these magnetic balls on pressure points in my ears. I can shower with them and everything. I just have to press on them ten times every time I feel hungry and if the hunger has no basis, it's supposed to subside, so I'll let you all know how that works. Again, if you live in the Brooklyn area and have any kinds of problems (sleeplessness, headaches, obesity, even children that won't stop crying--I saw that one work today), please email me at and I will give you her information. She is absolutely great.

I went to the market in Red Hook today and spent almost an hour there. My parents were not happy, lol. But I love making a game of finding low-cal foods. For example, just today...I found whole wheat bread for 40 calories a slice (Arnold's Healthy Bake), American cheese for 25 calories a slice (Kraft low fat) and Whole Wheat waffles for 70 calories a piece, less than my 80 calorie ones from last time (I believe these are Eggo). I also picked up another flavor of the Peanut Butter & Co. brand: Dark Chocolate Dreams. It's a dream, basically. I haven't figured out if it's better than the white chocolate, because it was kind of soft and I like hard peanut butter, so I put it in the fridge for awhile. Once I know, I will say. It's 10 calories less per tablespoon though! Haha.

Hope everyone has had an awesome week. Actual weigh-in tomorrow. Hoping for the best, expecting, not the worst, but not the best.

Hair straightening....Be warned: Profanity will ensue

So I washed my hair today and what does my hair look like? Not straight. No, it's not the poofy, curly mess it used to be. It's wavy and soft. But it's not straight. And I'm not allowed to use a hair straightener. My question is what the fuck did I pay 215 dollars for? I would've rather paid 300 dollars for Japanese Hair Straightening, even though it screws up my hair and actually look like a person! I don't know what the heck this hair stylist did (side note, I've hated this woman since age 8, but she's my mom's stylist) but I don't like it. I didn't want wavy hair. I wanted straight hair. And if you couldn't do that, then why the heck did you take my money? I'm not some random person that walked in off the street, either. Like I mentioned, she's know me since I was, like, eight and she's known my mom even longer, probably. So what the heck?

Anyway, I'm so mad I can't eat, because I have this huge lump where my throat should be because I'm about ready to march into that room and ask her for half my money back, because, I'm sorry, but this is half of what it was supposed to be. Yes, I'm glad that it's wavy and not curly and yes, I'm glad that it's not poofy (and on that note, it's not poofy YET. I have yet to walk in humidity, sweat or get caught in the rain) but I didn't want a hair relaxer that costs a hundred bucks. I wanted a hair straightener. What I got was a two hundred dollar, overpriced hair relaxer. Thanks..

And through all this, I forgot to weigh myself, so tomorrow it is. I'll probably post later when I'm not ready to hit someone/thing.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Aunt Flo: The Sooner She Comes, the Sooner She Gets the Heck Out and I Don't Have to Hear From Her For Another Month

Honestly, I have never so much FELT the difference between myself when Aunt Flo is not on her way and Aunt Flo is on her way. I'm trying to not let it affect me. But the day my PMS started, I felt it and I knew it was there. I used to eat enough to satisfy myself even when I was on the rag. If I felt hungry, I ate, even if it meant over-eating a little for a week. And so I never lost weight during that time. This time, I think that I am doing much, much better. I have these things called Nunu chocolates and they are these tiny cocoa beens covered in a thin layer of chocolate. I do not know the calorie intake, but just a few of those tiny suckers are enough to satisfy my crazy craving and I'm thinking the number of calories is pretty small.

So, today, I was about to go on a binge. I was about to pick up the phone, order some chicken and broccoli and an egg roll. I was ready. The words out of my mouth were "Screw this. I can eat some chinese food. Forget this." And then I sat down and re-evaluated and shut my brain up. I ate some Wheat Thins and a handful of tiny chocolates and then I sat down and felt sorry for myself for a half hour before falling asleep. 3 hours later, I am still craving any kind of grease and yummyness, but after a personal pizza made by my mom, I do feel better. I have a few calories left before 1000 and I'm going to use them in a few, because these days, I will use all the calories that I can get, lol.

My weigh-in is scheduled for tomorrow morning and I am nervous- very, very nervous. I know I shouldn't be because whatever happens, happens. Que sera, sera and all that jazz. I've done what I can do. I've walked stairs, I've tried to control my cravings, I've drank a lot of fluid and that's all I can really do. At the end of the day, I did my best this week and if I gain or don't lose, I'll forgive myself.

"Being gentle means forgiving yourself when you mess up. We should learn from our mistakes, but we shouldn't beat the tar out of ourselves over them. The past is just that, past. Learn what went wrong and why. Make amends if you need to. Then drop it and move on. 
---Sean Covey

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Hard day & Some mini-challenges for this week

I'm not going to lie here. Today was hard. I'm about due for a visit from Aunt Flo (sorry male readers) or as I like to call her Aunt Come In and Fuck Up My Diet. This means that I am overly emotional (I am watching Biggest Loser and I am a babbling brook at the moment), I'm H-U-N-G-R-Y all the time and I feel like nothing is important except for laying in my bed, watching sappy movies and getting loads of attention. It doesn't help that I've had midterms up the wazoo and am behind on chemistry homework. I'm also behind on reading for sociology and history. I'm not quite sure where all my time is going, but it's not helping that I do my best work at 1 or 2 in the morning, so I'm always staying up late and waking up early.

Despite my bitching, I haven't done badly. In fact, both days that I've been feeling like a mess, I've stayed within 1200 calories both days. Today, I even stayed within 1000 calories. I've also been walking more. This morning, I took a ten minute walk with my heavy bag on Starbucks and I did not use a single elevator. My first class is on the 3rd floor. I walked up to the 3rd floor and then I walked down. My second class was in a different building on the 4th floor. First, I walked to Quizno's, ate a 270 calorie flatbread (Next time, I go to Subway) sandwich and walked the long way to the next building. There, I walked up to the 4th floor and when that was over, I walked down to the first floor. I am nowhere near the stamina that I used to have and going to the 4th floor gets me tired, but once I get there, I feel kind of like a superstar. Everyone else takes the elevator, but not the girl recovering from the broken ankle. Mind you, I hold onto that rail for dear life, because my boot is huge and I'm liable to fall if I walk too fast, so I hold on for dear life just in case.

Just now, I drank a cup of tea with Splenda and ate a gigantic celery stick (woohoo zero calories) to keep myself from snacking on anything. It worked. I think I'm going to try to work on a few challenges for myself. These are not set in stone, but here's what I have so far.

1) Count out 46 oz. of fluid a day (water, tea, diet soda, snapple, whatever). The trick here is to count, because I have no idea how much I am getting right now.

2) Go for a 10-15 minute walk every single morning after getting dressed EXCEPT Thursday when I am up at the crack of dawn. I'll take my walk when I get home, thank you very  much lol.

3) Do my physical therapy exercises every single day, including the days that I am not doing physical therapy.

That's all for this week. I will start tomorrow and let you know how it goes next Wednesday. I think my challenge for next week (will probably start on a Monday since that is more normal lol) will be to see if I can plan all of my meals ahead of time. Other challenges I'd like to try for a week are no dairy, a tbsp of peanut butter with every meal while staying within calories, no bread and no processed foods. We'll see how all of those affect me. I think that these mini-challenges every week will definitely keep me motivated, because I'll only have a week to complete them, which will keep me very motivated. We'll see what happens!

How are your weeks going so far?

***EDIT*** I almost vomited just now. I'm on websites, looking for restaurant nutritional information. I used to swear by the chicken tenders at Applebee's. I LOVED them. I got the platter. Want to know how many calories they were? 1300. That is 300 more calories than I eat in a DAY and I ate them in one sitting. And I didn't think that was so bad...Wow. Eye opener right there.

What did you used to eat that you realize now was killing you?

Monday, October 18, 2010

"Breaking my leg was the best thing that's ever happened to me"

That sentence above is what I said today to my best friend on the phone. If you have been following me for any amount of time, you'll know that this is very atypical for me. Here are the reasons why.

1. I care much more about losing weight. When I broke my leg, my regular physician told me that had I not been so overweight, my fracture would've been far less severe. If that's not motivation to lose weight, I don't know what is.
2. I am pumped to start working out. Usually, I don't look forward to working. I look forward to getting up and taking a run in the morning, when I can. I look forward to being able to do yoga, going to the gym and swimming. I almost can't wait.
3. I realized that I don't want to dance -- I need to dance. I am ready to take my dancing to the next level. I am ready to learn new styles of dance and get farther in the style of dancing I already know. Even dancing without standing, just going through my routines in my head and moving my hips and arms is exhilarating, because, at first, I wasn't able to even do that or I didn't have the will to. So, the first time that I get up and do a rumba, it's going to be an incredible high, I can feel it.
4. I found that my body is far more capable than I give it credit for. What I've been through is something I hope no one ever has to go through. Even thinking about spending more time in that wheelchair is mentally scarring for me. It was -hands down- the worst experience that I've ever had. Sure, it's not the worst thing that's ever happened to anyone, but it's the worst experience I've had. But I walked on crutches, even at my technically obese state. I re-learned to walk. I'm doing things in physical therapy that, a few weeks ago, I couldn't imagine doing. And I never give up. And I didn't know that was possible.
5. I realized that I do not need a boyfriend. Whenever I am single, I constsantly lament about how much I want a boyfriend and how sad I am that I don't have one. I feel worthless. But lately, I'm more excited about other things. When I'm trying to fall asleep at night, I no longer think about relationships. I think about trying out for So You Think You Can Dance, I think about becoming a doctor, I think about winning competitions, I think about my trip to Europe, I think about me. For the first time in what seems like forever, I can see me as just being me and not needing anyone else. I don't need a boy to make me happy. It's not like I'm anti-man. If a boy I was interested in were to ask me out on a date, I'd probably say yes with little hesitation. But the difference is that I don't need it. And, in my entire life (all 19 years of it, I know, I'm a baby), I have never felt like that.

I don't know how it happened. I don't know why it happened. But I am miles from the insecure, sad girl that I used to be. I am happy, I am confident and I am unafraid. This just goes to show: Everything happens for a reason. I used to cry at night about how my summer was ruined and I couldn't dance and I couldn't go up to school. But something amazing came out of it. At least 5 amazing things came out of it.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Good Bye Job #2

This morning, I could not wake up for anything, because I stayed up super late, writing up a lesson plan for Jewish Sunday School. I have to say, it's quite difficult when I am a very non-religious person. The actual research for each week takes forever. Luckily next week is a trip week, so I get to walk around the Jewish Children's Museum and do nothing except make sure the kids don't get lost, lol. So that should be nice. But, today, I quit one of my jobs. Honestly, I couldn't put everything into it that I wanted to, so my heart wasn't in it. I couldn't even be there for too long on Sundays. Plus, I was making, like, thirty bucks a week? It was thirty bucks more than I was making, but I don't need it so terribly. My boss and I both agreed that it wasn't working out.

Eating today was alright. I have to say that I get seriously excited about low calorie food. For example, I have these sugar-free mini meringues that are 25 for only 40 calories. 25 mini-meringues. And they're not SO mini that it makes no sense to eat them. They're great. Plus, I never eat 25 in one sitting. They've been in my cupboard for a few weeks and both boxes are still full. But really, I love being able to save calories and still eat. I make a little game out of it. How much can I eat today, while still staying within my calories. I think the huge thing is variety. I'd rather eat a whole bunch of little things than one big thing. Like, a rice pudding and a Babybel cheese and some meringues, instead of two pieces of chocolate for the same amount of calories.

I continue to be apprehensive about weigh-ins. First of all, I still don't have a set day because sometimes, I wake up in the morning and by the time I remember I'm supposed to weigh in, I have my walking boot on. And taking off my walking boot is a huge process. So, I really need a set weigh-in day. I also don't like weighing in when my parents are home, because if I gained, I don't want them to know right away. I kind of want to work through my being upset before I have to tell anyone. I think the best day to do it is Friday. It's like a weekend, because I don't have class, but my parents aren't home, because it's still a working day. Second of all, I've lost almost 3 pounds two weeks in a row. I know this isn't going to last. There's absolutely no way. There will be weeks I lose nothing, weeks I only lose a pound and weeks that I gain (eek). I just can't let those weeks bring me down, only because I've been really good for the past couple of weeks. Guess we'll see what happens.

Hope everyone's having a good day!

Saturday, October 16, 2010

What a Onederful World

I see skies of blue and clouds of white....

Ok, not really. It's more like skies of grey and clouds of grey, but whatever. The wind and lack of sun will not bring me down today, because, as you can see from the title of my post, I am in Onederland! Barely, but I'm there. Here's a fun fact. I don't know what my weight has been for the last couple of years but what I do know is that I have not been in onederland since the beginning of my junior year of high school--I am now a sophomore in college. That's 3 years and a month or two. Wow. And when I was at that weight, I was seeing a nutritionist who was only letting me eat things off a specific list. I didn't let myself cheat, I ate rabbit food and chicken with nothing on it and I was miserable.

Through this diet so far, I have eaten brown rice, chicken with spices, chocolate, pizza, cookies, etc. (I don't want to make anyone reading this to get hungry, lol). But I've eaten these things in strict moderation and if I eat too much one day, I eat less the next day. I stick to 1000 calories a day, usually, and sometimes 1200. I do not cheat. I write down everything. I go to school, I go to physical therapy, I go out with my friends and I have a job. Also, I'm not even exercising, because of my ankle. And I am losing weight. Lots of weight. This calorie counting thing is seriously a wonder.

Here's a picture. I was really excited in my light green socks, hehe.
Out of curiosity, can you tell which foot is the bad one just by looking at this picture? Cause I can see a difference, but maybe I'm crazy.

Yesterday, I went to the So You Think You Can Dance tour. Oh my goodness, I was in awe the entire time. It made me want to dance so much. It was absolutely beautiful. It sucked because it was really cold and raining so the cast wasn't able to come outside to do a meet and greet, but I talked to a few of them on Twitter. I'm obsessed with the boys. They are adorable. And then I walked in the semi-rain for half an hour in the kind-of ghetto, which was great exercise lol! I will post up a few pictures of me and my friend when she puts them on facebook. Maybe a video too. :)

I also got the Brazilian hair straightening. Here is a picture of what my hair is supposed to look like for the next four-six months!

It's not the most flattering picture of me, but whatever. You can pretty much see the hair. It's straight, lol. Very much unlike my usual frizzy wave-curls lol. I'm not allowed to wash it or get it at all wet for four days. It was a little tough in the rain, but I put up my hood and carried an umbrella. Although, it was also windy, so the umbrella kept turning up, but whatever! Anyway, that's about all. I'm in Onederland and tonight I'm going to an Argentine tango/ballet. My weekend of dance. I'm basically in a state of bliss!

Friday, October 15, 2010

Just something I'm working on...I'm no Sylvia Plath

Dimpled cheeks, dark eyes
T-shirt white, torn jeans.
Curly hair, crooked smile;
Just as I imagine you.

We walk along, we're hand in hand.
We talk for miles, you understand,
Your leather jacket warms my soul,
Just as I imagine it.

Warm bed, pillow talk,
Pale winter, white as chalk.
Smile as I fall asleep,
Just as I imagine me

Silver locket, Valentine,
I imagine that you're mine.
I imagine, my love, I imagine
And I dream, my love, I dream.

I drop my pen, my paper full,
My expectations high.
You're pen on looseleaf, nothing more;
Creation of my mind.

Through my pen, we walk together.
Ink marks on a papered path
My hand holds pen and pen holds you.
Dream on and on and on.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Chemistry and Hunger Pangs

So, this morning, I could not wake up for anything. That may be because the first thing that happened was that I woke up 15 minutes late because my alarm didn't ring. The miracle that I only woke up 15 minutes later than I was supposed to, when my alarm didn't ring, is something I am failing to comprehend. Maybe my mind and body are more in tune now? But probably I just got really, really lucky. That's about where my luck ended for the day, though. Well, no. That's wrong. My day wasn't so bad at all, I'm just in a sour mood now. Explanation below.

I got my chemistry exam back. 85. Well, technically, 84. But I'm getting it changed because I think I deserve an extra point and my recitation professor agrees. I text my mom and she congratulates me, which makes me feel like I did a good job and I relax. Especially considering there were plenty of 30's and 40's in the class and even some 20's. But he doesn't curve, so I guess that doesn't matter. Anyway, I'm all happy and then when I come home, my dad says to me "So...What happened?" And I say "What happened with what?" and he says "With chemistry. Why 85?"

And this is what really got me. My mom goes on a rant to me about how getting into medical school is going to be extremely hard. Thank you for stating the blatantly obvious! There are 3 things I think about when I wake up in the morning, as I go about my day and before I go to sleep and I even dream about them sometimes. 1) My weight and how it needs to go, 2) Dance and how much I want my ankle to heal so I can do it again, 3) How hard it's going to be to get into medical school and what I can do to make my application better.

I spent two semesters away from my parents. My first semester, I talked to them every day, I told theme every grade I got and I ended up with a C+ in economics, an A in theater (duh), an A- in psychology and a B- in math. My second semester, I took upper level classes as a freshman. My school is hard. Freshman do not take upper level classes. I got 4 A's and an A-. I took harder classes, did more activities, partied almost every weekend, didn't listen to a word my parents told me and I got those awesome grades. They have pressured me my entire life and when I was a kid, I needed that pressure. But now? I KNOW. I know that this matters. I studied for that chemistry exam for weeks and got so nervous from the pressure that I made the stupidest mistakes (most of my points off were on the easy stuff).

Living at home this semester is taking a toll on me. They need to get off my back and leave me alone. I hate to be a teenager about this, but I just do so much better when I don't have them hanging onto my every grade and making me miserable over an 85. I'm in honors chem, for God's sake! Most of the people in my class took AP Chemistry last year! I haven't taken chemistry in at least 4 years. Give me a God damn break! I know it's hard and I know that it doesn't get easier. But they need to leave me alone, because I know that they mean well, but they are not helping. They're making it worse.

That's for anyone that was tired of reading about chemistry and my mommy and daddy issues. I can be such a brat sometimes, but I'm not going to conceal it on here. It's my blog. I hate to say it, but if you can't face the reality that I can be a brat, then that's that.

I'm afraid that I didn't lose any weight this week. I walked more and I ate less, but I really think that the weekend might've screwed me. I'll be lucky if I didn't gain. I'm nervous, because that's yet another thing that my parents are all over. I stress ate today. Not much. I ate a 1/2 oz. of chicken and a spoonful of brown rice. It could've been worse, but I'm angry! Why did I stress eat? No more. This emotional eating crap is no good. Next time I feel that way, I'm just going to go to bed. Sometimes I think that I just need to stop listening to my parents, but then I think that I'll regret it one day.

What do you guys think? I know they mean well, but is that enough?

The gates of hell are open night and day; smooth the descent and easy is the way - John Dryden

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

No more nonsense

So, I am a very no-nonsense person when it comes to myself. I try not to judge other people (although it slips out sometimes) BUT I am very hard on myself. During ballroom dance practice, if I can't get something, I will repeat until perfection. The first time I learned the cha cha, my hips would not do the 'open and close' for anything. I practiced it until my hips were sore and I had it. If I can't finish something at physical therapy, I practice it until I kick ass at it. If there's a song that I need to learn, I practice it, even if it is well out of my range and I get it. I'm going to stop tooting my own horn and say this. What. The. Hell.

I can do moves in ballroom that the skinnier, more flexible girls, have trouble with. I can get a 2100 on my SAT's. I can get into a "public ivy" school. So. Why can't I lose weight? What is it about being hungry that scares me so much that I need to put a piece of food in my mouth? This is the most important thing that I could possibly set my mind to. In 50 years, my awesome technique and 2100 will be nothing but a distant memory that I will be very proud of. But my weight loss? That will be something so much more. In 50 years, I will be thanking myself for changing my life.

I will still be feeling the effects -- not having diabetes, being active, putting good things in my body. I will know that this decision is what kept me healthy. This decision will be the reason that my kids live healthy lifestyles, the reason I will be the mom who runs and plays with her kids, the reason that I will be an energetic grandma, the reason that I will live a long, healthy life.

Being obese (even by ten or so pounds) and even being overweight is as serious as cancer. People get cancer for no reason. This is something that I can control, something that I can change! I could save my own life. I need to stay within my calorie range. I need to walk as much as I can, even with my recovery from my broken ankle. I need to become more active when I can. I need to switch from pretzel sticks to celery sticks. I need to drink water. I need to sleep. I need to change my life. And I encourage the rest of you, with all my heart, to do the same.

No. More. Nonsense.

Monday, October 11, 2010

Good day, need something new! (also, wtf Lean Cuisine & SmartOnes)

So, today was a pretty good day. Waking up in the morning was, as usual, no fun. But is it ever? I hate going to sleep and I hate waking up. Mutually. Exclusive. I feel like this is the story of my life! I think it means I'm a little bit greedy, lol. So, first thing, I ate a small breakfast and went to physical therapy where I got my ass kicked (at least it wasn't my ankle, right?). The woman that I usually work with doesn't kick my ass so much, but she's an intern type person. Now I know all the new exercises I have to do. She told me today that I'm very flexible, just a little bit weak and that I'm improving a lot. Oh! And my massage was given to me by the office's chiropractor. Omg, *drool*. He's kind of good looking (or really good looking, whatever) and has the hands of a GOD. My calf, shin, ankle, all felt wonderful afterwards lol.

After that, we went to Pathmark and I decided to pick up some stuff that I might be able to eat for breakfast. Sometimes, I run out the door because I know I won't have time for my buckwheat or to scrape up anything else. I used to eat the SmartOnes and the Lean Cuisine stuff, before I was on a low calorie diet. Well, then. LEAN CUISINE, YOU ARE NOT LEAN. SMARTONES. YOUARE NOT THAT SMART. So. Many. Calories. 290 calories for a small lunch or dinner. 210 calories for a small breakfast sandwich. I'm on a 1000-1200 calorie diet, people. This just will not cut it. On top of that, out of curiosity, I went to the non-diet section of the frozen food aisle. There, I picked up some whole wheat waffles (160 calories for TWO of them) and some veggie maple-flavored patties (80 calories per patty, so again, 160 for two). And I feel like those things are more filling. frozen diet food? Clean up your act.

After that, I went home and was basically lazy for the rest of the day. I watched an awesome movie called "Wake". It's an indie movie and it was very, very strange but it had Ian Somerhalder in it (I'm in love with him) and Danny Masterson from That 70's Show, so it was good. I enjoyed myself. Now I NEED to do homework and study. Uh oh.

Have I mentioned on here that I LOVE celery sticks? Negative calories <3

The only other thing I have to say is that I need to do something fun and soon. My life is starting to become mundane again and I just can't have that, because when Rachel is bored, she will eat, lol. Hope everyone is pumped and ready to have a great week!